"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize