It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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