The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
