If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
