Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
