only if we run a train.
done.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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