I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
