Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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