last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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