Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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