When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
