I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
