My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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