Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
