i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
