My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
