please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Are my feet made of real feet?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Randomize
