I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
