he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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