Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
