i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
