woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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