I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
