How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
