life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
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My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"