im six kinds of drunk right now
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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