i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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