Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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