I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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