I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize