i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
