I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
