Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
