Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
