Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
