life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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