all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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