i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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