Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
