I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Who died my cat blue again?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
