i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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