What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
