Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
