there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
