dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
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You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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