when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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