Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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