sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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