I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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