I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
