$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
