now i know why i became what i already was.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
