Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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