We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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