I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
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I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
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Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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