Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
